Show Me Those Pearly Whites

If my life were a movie it would be one of those boring ones where the people just sit around talking and nothing ever really happens.

Junior Lifesavers Are Smaller

After being an idiot and also being a pain, I am finally settled in my hotel room, which is probably less than 10 miles from my house. I've been staying alone all week and it was fine until yesterday when the oven briefly set off the smoke alarm. For a moment I thought it was the house alarm, then it shut off and I realized it was just the smoke alarm, which is RIGHT NEXT to the oven, which is way stupid because sometimes there are little bits of food that drop off in the oven and if the smoke alarm is RIGHT THERE those little bits will set it off. Anyway, the alarm gave me a shock that I just couldn't shake, so last night I hardly slept at all and I decided that tomorrow night (which is now) I would just spring for a hotel and get some sleep. This morning I thought, "Hey, maybe it'll be okay. Maybe I should save my money." But then I was super on-edge all day so I went ahead and booked a room.

So I got to the hotel at about 5:30. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the room was that the window was open. Then I realized that it was actually a sliding glass door out to a balcony, and it actually wasn't open - it was just noisy. I could hear the air whooshing through the edges and, worse, I could hear all the cars out on the highway. I was like, "Whatever, it's not that big of a deal," and I went to set up my computer, which is when I realized that I'd left the power cord at home (that's the part where I was an idiot). That's a problem since I wanted to watch movies and the battery only lasts about 45 minutes when I'm just typing in Word. So I went home to fetch the power cord. When I got back the air and the cars were whooshing and I was like, "AAAHHHHH!!!" so I called the front desk and asked if I could switch to a room without a balcony and on the other side of the building (that's the part where I was a pain). Which is where I am now, and it's nice and quiet and Wheel of Fortune is on TV, which I hate, so I'm going to change the channel.

In The Eye Of The Cyclops

You know that feeling when you're crazy-infatuated-in-love and you walk around holding hands and sneaking glances at each other and you can't help smiling because you feel like the entire world was made just for you? Well it wasn't, and you need to get the hell out of my way when I'm trying to drive.

Free Hugs Campaign

I'm de-scrooge-ifying for a moment to post this video. My dad sent it to me. Have I mentioned that he's way cool?

Shazam!

Online shopping = Best Thing Ever. EVER. Better than ice cream. Well, okay, not better than Firefly, and for sure not better than eating ice cream while watching Firefly, but still...close. One more Sparkling gift, then FINITO! Ew, my feet are totally stinkifying. And my feet aren't of the stinky variety. Hm. This could be a sign the apocalyptic collapse of life as we know it. Would we feel it if the earth started rotating in the opposite direction?

My Days Of Not Taking You Seriously Are Definitely Coming To A Middle

So, remember my lovely brother who sent me wrapped gifts? He's the only one I can't seem to find a Christmas present for. And I'm running out of time to buy online and get it shipped by Christmas. I am a bad, bad sister. My dad suggested giving him money since he's saving up for stuff, but that just seems way lame. I could get him a gift certificate, but I really enjoy finding stuff that I know someone will like. I MUST FIND SOMETHING! SOON! I'm pretty much finished with everyone else - I have one little thing to pick up for Sparkle, but other than that - finito! That sounds like a magical exclamation: "shazam!"

Bosses are hard to shop for. Next year I'm getting them a giraffe.

Okay, since when does a bookstore have the used and new books all mixed in together? Because that is frustrating. Especially when it turns out to have almost no used books. How disappointing. I've sent three Christmas cards this year. That is up from the number in past years, which is zero.

Finito!

Destroy Gretchen

I got a package from Amazon today - my Christmas presents from my youngest brother. When I saw the box I knew it was from him, and I got WAY more excited than I normally do. He'd told me I could open the box since he'd had all the presents gift-wrapped, and for some reason that just made me want to cry from all the gooey, fuzzy sweetness welling up from the area where there is a lump of lead as cold as steel, here - where a woman's heart should be. Because my brother is 16, and gift-wrapping at Amazon doesn't come cheap.

Somewhat Akin To Going Over A Waterfall In A Barrel

Today the washing machine broke. Luckily for me, it broke on the fifth - and last - batch, so I only had to wring one load out by hand. There is really no way I can get blamed for this since it wasn't overloaded or anything, plus the spin cycle has totally been on crack the last few weeks. This washer is, by the way, the exact same model I learned to do laundry in. Fifteen years ago. And we'd owned it for at least five years at that point. This washer has seen better days, and those days were a long, long time ago.

Have I mentioned that Sparkle plays the piano? And plays it like a mothuh? That is, if playing it like a mothuh is a good thing, and I'm not entirely sure it is. She has scary-fast fingers, and also has no movement in her wrists when she plays chromatic scales. Apparently that means she has super-awesome technique.

I've been listening to the Battlestar Galactica roundtable discussion podcast (thanks to Maggie, and I mean that in the way a junkie thanks her dealer). It is my new goal to do nothing but stalk people from BSG for the rest of my life. I feel that this is perfectly reasonable as long as I don't stab anyone and have a steady supply of newspapers to sleep under.

My holiday shopping is almost finished. Grandmothers and employers are hard to shop for.

Share The Joy, Eat The Cookies

The four millionth and eighty-second reason why my dad is the coolest: He stayed at the Hilton for a conference in Las Vegas and took full advantage of their Star Trek: The Experience attraction. During his lunch break and in the evening he took the opportunity to visit the Star Trek museum and go on the rides several times. I love that about him. I love that he's not boring. I love that he is so completely delighted by things like that. Yeah, you should be jealous. No way is your dad as much fun as mine.

I've been here in NJ, at this job, for four months. I'm not planning on leaving - I like it here. But, as is my oh-so-charming way, I find myself thinking, "What next?" It was always a sort of pipe dream to have my own children's theatre, and lately I've been thinking about that a lot. I think I could do it, as long as I'm willing to make a few sacrifices - movies, coffee, clothes, car, home, and food. Even then I'd probably still have to have another job, which is really no problem since I've always wanted to be a drug dealer.

I want to live in or around Boston at some point, but I feel that I've been away from California for too long. What is it about California? I don't know. I like clouds and rain and cold - CA is all bright and shiny and the antithesis of everything that is cloudy and rainy and cold. And yet... It takes hold of my mind and won't let go until I'm on my knees screaming, "Okay, okay - I LOVE YOU!" I would really like to live in the UK, but I have no idea how to go about that. The only thing I can think of is to marry a UK citizen. Probably not a feasible plan.

Last week it was cold. Winter cold. Not surprising, right? Since it's, you know, December? Except that it was sitting in the middle of many, many weeks of 40 and 50+ weather. New Jersey, your winter is so far not impressing me. Your winter is for wimps. Today it is raining, but still over 50. You can't see me, but I'm shaking my head in disappointment.

Little Orphan Annie And Her Cigarette, Widowmaker

I went for another run/walk in the park this morning. The park, by the way, is HUGE and gorgeous and has absolutely no playground equipment that I have seen. I took the same route as last time, but it took me about 20 minutes less. My guess is that there are two reasons for this: 1) I ran a little more. Go me! 2) It was about 50 degrees and barely breezy, whereas last time it was 20-25 degrees and super windy, so I was moving at the speed of frozen.

Maggie from Bootstrap Productions is a fan of Battlestar Galactica, and this simultaneously raises both her Cool and Geek Factors - a feat not many TV shows can accomplish (check it out for Katee Sackhoff, stay for the writing, acting, and general brilliance). She has pretty much ruined my life by posting a link to BSG podcasts. It is now inevitable that I will move to Vancouver, where BSG is filmed, and become an obsessive stalker. When I am arrested - wearing a horrifically unflattering catsuit and gigantic night-vision goggles that I will buy on eBay - I am going to do the American thing and blame it all on Maggie from Bootstrap Productions.

PS - That YouTube video clip makes me laugh EVERY TIME I watch it. Pure gold.

In All The World There Are Only Four, Maybe Five Thousand Like You

My sister had her baby today - a boy, 8 lbs 14 oz. Apparently the labor went a bit too quickly and my sister went into shock afterwards. I didn't know a quick labor could send someone into shock, but that's what my brother-in-law said. My sister is fine, her baby is fine and also a chunk, and I am still sad that they're naming him Joseph, but have accepted it and will probably like him anyway.

I'm completely obsessed with LOGO, the gay channel. I have no idea why, but I totally am. I'm okay with this, but then I start thinking, "So, why wasn't I ever obsessed with BET? Am I racist or something?" I hope not, but I also rarely watch the Spanish channels, so who knows.

Battlestar Galactica: A New Crew In Town

For anyone who loves Battlestar Galactica. Which should be everyone.

It Makes You Wonder If The Tutu Is Aerodynamically Sound

Today I went for a walk/run in the park. Running is something I've always wanted to take up but haven't because a) I am lazy, b) running sucks, and c) No sports bra has every been up to the task of making it a painless experience. Many, many people have told me that running is something you have to learn to like, and being lazy is a pretty bad excuse, so when I finally found a sports bra that fulfills my every dream for sports bra-ness, I figured I had to either get off my gigantic derriere or accept its enormity and build a shrine to it. I mostly walked because running while carrying the equivalent of a sixth grader made entirely of fat is not something that is in the category of "Fun, Easy Things To Do In Your Spare Time." The things I learned from today's experience are:

1) I need supplies:

• a hat that will cover my ears and stay on my head
• a scarf or turtleneck
• better gloves
• much darker sunglasses

2) Spit

Light Illuminated The Thumbtacks, And They Glowed Like Sharp Plastic Jewels

My awesome friend, Jess, went to Germany last week and brought me back the Coolest Mug Ever. The writing is in German, but she tells me it says, "Without you everything is stupid." It has a little sun, and it says "the sun is stupid," and a picture of a butterfly, and it says "butterflies are stupid," and a picture of flowers...I love it. It makes me laugh. Lately I've felt like I'm circling the drain of the deep purply-blues, so anything that makes me feel pink or buttercup yellow is very much appreciated.

Yesterday I read 'night, Mother, for which Marsha Norman won the 1983 Pulitzer for Drama, and I also read The Vagina monologues, which inspired V-Day - a day to recognize the fight for the end of violence against women. I enjoyed them both, but I always feel a little cheated when I read a play; plays are meant to be SEEN. Now I'm reading Working by Studs Terkel, which inspired one of my favorite musicals, also called Working. So far it's way good.

The movie Latter-Days has become one of those movies I'm kind of embarrassed to love. It's not a good movie - there's nothing new or original or daring about it - but I love it. LOVE it. It's the two main guys - they make me believe they love each other, and they're just so sweet. I hate using the word "sweet" unless it's like, "Hey, the new Harry Potter book is coming out! Sweet!" However, in this case I feel it is the best word to describe the relationship between this L.A. playboy and his Mormon missionary love interest. Watch at your own risk - the best warning I can give you is that I am a person who can watch Centerstage over and over (with and without the director's commentary) and never - NOT EVER - get tired of it.

Where The Socks Go

I want to buy a piano. One of those realistic digital ones. The kind that's super-portable, since who knows where I'll be going next, or when I'll be going there. But I know next to nothing about digital pianos (the thing I know that isn't nothing is that there is such a thing as a digital piano), and I'm not feeling researchy at the moment, and I also have no idea where to buy one.

I also want to learn how to be a trapeze artist, but that is completely unlikely since #1) I am fat, #2) I wasn't athletic even when I was thin, and #3) Where in the WORLD would someone learn something like that? Coincidentally, Sam Beckett played the piano and did some trapeze swinging on Quantum Leap today. More coincidentally, I haven't seen that show in years, and I was thinking about the piano and the trapeze before I watched it today.

It's Like Electricity

This is a list of Two Movies You Should See Because They Are Great:

Stranger Than Fiction
Billy Elliot

Stranger Than Fiction is in theatres now. It's funny, although not as funny as the advertising makes it out to be. The funny is more of a quiet, melancholy, almost mundane funny. I've used the word "funny" five times in three sentences (including this one). I feel that's excessive. I think I'd bill it more as a humorous drama. It's a totally different kind of part for Will Ferrell, and he's great. Like SO great. As is Emma Thompson (although that's only surprising the way it's surprising that Ben and Jerry's is delicious EVERY SINGLE TIME).

Billy Elliot is one of the only movies that makes me cry. And I'm on the edge of my seat when he gets the letter from the Royal Ballet School, even though I've SEEN the movie and I KNOW what happens. Now that - THAT - is a good movie: one that can keep you in suspense when you already know the outcome. It's also one of those movies that makes me feel like my life is better - that I am better - for having watched it. Which even sounds stupid to me, and yet it's completely true and I'm not taking it back.

Two By Two, The Line Went Over The Mountain And Out Of Sight

Christmas presents are hard. Well, holiday presents, since the Cookies are Jewish and therefore do not celebrate the mass of Christ and Santa Claus. I've searched cyber-high and cyber-low, and nothing seems right. What do you get for people you hardly know? And especially for that one person who never seems to like anything? Blah.

I was going to get my brother and sister-in-law a baby for Christmas, but then they went and got pregnant. I believe they are finding out the sex today, and this is what I have to say: Nereid. It works for a boy or a girl. I have no idea how it's pronounced, but being named after a moon? Totally cool. Although it's possibly too easy to go from "Nereid" to "nerd." Nereid the ne-erd! Nereid the ne-erd! Whatever - the kid will just have to be too cool for anyone to think of teasing It.